you gotta know.

Wayne,
You are devastatingly attractive. I hope to hell that you are doing something with it.
__________ DVM, MS (to gain credibility behind my words)

I received that message the other day, and it threw me for a loop. Honestly, it made me a bit dizzy when I read it, because of who the sender was. The problem with it is that it depresses the hell out of me.

I met this girl once. How doesn’t matter. We met up for a 10mi road race, and we agreed ahead of time that the loser had to buy the other a beer. It was right in the midst of my base training for IMWI in January, and I was not optimistic regarding my chances in finishing ahead of her. She was fit. A Boston qualifier. I got 4 hours of sleep the night before the race, because I didn’t get off the bike until 2am after a 4 hour session. Anyhow, she took first place for her age group and finished ~2 minutes ahead of me, if I recall correctly.

We talked for a bit at the bar afterwards, and we went our separate ways. I’ve never seen her since, but we semi-regularly keep in touch via comments or jokes on Facebook. We’ve gotten to know each other — more or less — that way, which, I think, counts to some degree as you see this person in pictures, you see their thoughts, you see their wit. It’s called social networking for a reason. Anyway, aside from winning the race, this girl is a winner in other ways. Fit as a gazelle. Beautiful. Friendly. Quick wit. Humorous. Adventurous. Intelligent and cultured. California chill with east coast no-nonsense approach. From what I saw, heard, read and see, this girl is what we’d call a keeper. She ticks off a lot of major boxes.

And, she referred to me as devastatingly attractive?! Uh, what? Here’s a girl, who is for all purposes, out of my league, and she came to me COMPLETELY out of the blue with her opinion/observation. Completely random. I saw the little red light on my BB flashing to alert me to a message. I opened it up just as the opening scene to Green Zone — good movie, see it — sprung on the screen. I saw it was from her and the subject title “you gotta know.” I thought, “Hmm, this oughta be interesting…I wonder what race she’s going to tell me about…” Then I read it, and the phone sorta wobbled in my hand.

She offered an honest opinion, and it wasn’t really a come-on. She had further comments in a follow-up message. “Nothing is sweeter than a gem of a nice guy who isn’t afraid to pull a girl around by her hair a little bit. If you are already dating a gal…then I’m embarrassed. But if you are single again, try it out. Lemme know how it goes.” Now, I recognize these are kind words, and I appreciate the candidness and her intent. The problem is that I can’t accept it.

I am NOT devastatingly attractive. I do NOT hold that opinion of myself. I am not attractive, and I’m OK with that. I accept that. Gnothi Seauton … know thyself. I know that I’m average looking, at best. It’s so easy for me to point out why I’m not good looking, and I don’t see any logical retort to the assertions. But, here is someone who floats at the top of the crucible having an opinion of relative regard about me. What does she see that I don’t? Why?

There can’t be an ulterior motive to it other than to be truthful and open. Thereby, I should be able to accept it. I don’t get it. It doesn’t compute for me. It’s at this point that it goes from being a positive to a negative. It’s not me. I’m not devastatingly attractive. I can’t accept it, and it may sound weird but I don’t want to.

While I will yammer on about never getting married and never having kids these days, I am lonely. I would like to stand next to someone and someone by me. The kids bit hasn’t changed though. I’ll rely on my sisters to allow me to play the uncle role. Yet, if I have such a conflict in perception of myself versus other people, then how could I expect to find future companionship? At this point in my life, I don’t see it happening. I don’t see it happening for a very long time, in fact, and at a time that I kind of want it.

I struggle with it in my head, and think about what’s wrong with me. There are, obviously, still things that I have yet to figure out about myself. The fact of the matter is that I don’t need someone. I can accept that I’ll more than likely be single my entire life. But, the past couple of weeks, it’s been more of a “wanting” feeling. Yet, despite wanting it, I don’t believe it will happen, and that kinda sucks. I think I’m going in circles now. Maybe it’s time for a revisit and consideration of all options again.

~ by jerseyquaker on March 17, 2010.